As I have been homebound after leaving the corporate world due to chronic back pain, I have reached the point where I have to come up with some good excuses for not doing housework.  I found this on Mark Lowry’s website and am starting to implement this excuse system.  If you haven’t heard of Mark Lowry, he used to be part of the Gaither’s vocal band, now he is on his own.  He did the original Mary Did You Know and is a comic extradordinaire.

10 rules of housekeeping…

• “Vacuuming too often will weaken the carpet fibers.” Say this with a serious face and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

• Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

• Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply say, “What? And spoil the mood?”

• Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

• If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love for you to see our den but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”

• If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place an urn on the coffee table and insist that, “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”

• Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Johnny did this when he was two. I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”

• In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

• Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch ‘The Galapagos Islands’ and claim an ecological exemption.

• Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere…”

All original contents © 2006 Mark Lowry Productions, Inc.